Stop Relying on External Validation

One of the ongoing issues I worked on with my former psychiatrist, Dr. Lev, was my constant need for external validation. Whether the feedback came from weighing myself 10 times a day in the case of my anorexia, or seeking positive reinforcement from my supervisor at work, I lived for praise from others. When I didn’t get it regularly, my anxiety would skyrocket and I felt as though I had done something wrong, even when I knew I hadn’t.

Part of the reason was that I never got what I needed from my father in terms of validation and praise. When I was in sixth grade I recall telling him I wanted to be a veterinarian and without saying it directly, he told me I wasn’t smart enough.

One study led by Univeristy of Houston researchers found that “the relationship between need for approval from others and anxiety is also well-rooted in past literature. For those with high need for approval, their self-esteem is correlated with how positively they believe others perceive them.”

Dr. Lev and I worked hard on peeling back the layers of my need for external validation. We spent hours eradicating my father’s voice from my mind, cementing the concept that I am good enough. It was really only after he died and I realized I was now chasing approval from a ghost that I was able to start believing I was good enough.

What also helped was that around the same time that my father passed away, I’d been able to leave…