Control Issues: Overcoming Perfectionism and Codependence

For some, asking for help feels like a threat; the need to do so invariably makes them feel inferior.

“Why should I need to ask?” “You should already know!” In the game of emotional hot potato, we blame our partners for feeling vulnerable, more precisely, for feeling inferior. While something like asking for help or setting a boundary is common, individuals preoccupied with hierarchies view both as signs of weakness, indicators of a potential loss of power or position, or disrespect. Their worlds are like old-time movies, experienced in black and white.

In that world, the kings expect to be served, having their every need predicted and, subsequently, fulfilled. So, when something goes wrong, and the king feels ashamed of himself for being unable to complete a task, he blames his servants for failing to aid him. In this context, he finds himself in a double bind. On the one hand, he feels vulnerable and inferior if asking for help (after all, such a human request is beneath a god) and, on the other, knows he’s unable to act independently. So, when he ultimately fails, taking responsibility is akin to losing face, the threat of which, he believes, implies a fall from grace.

Ancient kings believed that the world was comprised of servants and gods on Earth (as well as their enemies, who lived in similar systems), whom the former obviously catered to. To the gods, their servants’ compliance wasn’t enough; in their…