Talking Openly and Honestly About Suicide

2024 marks 10 years since my most recent suicide attempt and subsequent psychiatric admission. This is considerable progress for someone who has attempted suicide four times and has had over 20 psychiatric hospitalizations throughout the span of almost three decades.

I used to mark off the years that passed by without an admission on an imaginary chalkboard. I’d put an asterisk next to those that involved a suicide attempt. When I was readmitted, an imaginary eraser wiped the board clean, only to have to start again.

My first suicide attempt came in 1986. I was 25. I had been in therapy for about two years, and I didn’t realize how depressed I was. Getting up each day, taking the F train into Manhattan, and doing what was expected at work were all signs of normalcy. I wasn’t aware one could function and still be depressed. One night, at home alone, I felt as if it would be impossible to face the next day.

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, suicide is the 11th-leading cause of death in the US. In 2022, 49,476 Americans died by suicide and there were an estimated 1.6 million attempts.

The stigma surrounding suicide compounds the likelihood that people won’t share their intent. There is a feeling of embarrassment or that they must be “crazy.” A perception exists that their character is being judged, that they’re a bad person, or that they have failed.

In my late twenties, I was diagnosed with anorexia and major…